16th of September, 2022. That date is burned into my brain like nothing else. The day i thought I would go through with it. The day that I thought I was going to kill myself. The day on which I would forever disappear from this world.I was walking home in the cold wind of a classic autumn day. I had just finished playing volleyball with some of my friends, which at the time was one of the very little things that still brought me joy. I had fun, it was a good day, nothing special or out of the ordinary, but good. Which was why, when I walked home suddenly alone with no one to talk to, I started feeling this weird mixture of loneliness and despair. The cold weather, the quietness of my surroundings and the grayish colors of autumn did nothing to help me with my pensiveness.
It was days like this that made me think and question everything around me. So it wasn't anything unusual when I asked myself whether anyone would notice if I disappeared. It sounds like a stupid question and don't worry, I am very aware of that. I am not worried that people would not notice it, but more about whether they'd care. What would the last person to ever have seen me think? Would they blame themselves for letting me go that day? Would they wonder if there was anything they could have done to prevent me from disappearing?I know it might sound selfish, but I hope they would blame themselves and wish they had prevented it. And that may be, because I know very well, that no one actually would. They would be surprised and maybe a little disappointed that I didn't last longer in this life, but they'd get over it within a few days.
I have this friend who keeps telling me that he needs me, that life would be harder for him if I wasn't there. And sometimes, that makes me feel better, but then I wonder whether that's the only reason he wants me around, because he can profit from my existence. Profit from the fact that I will always be there for him, because there is no one else I can go to, no one who needs or wants me, so that I am dependent of his loneliness or the absence of his girlfriend, whom he loves so much. And honestly, I don't know if I want to feel needed, if it's just as a replacement for someone who actually matters. Also, I question whether he actually needs me or is just too lazy to find someone else to rely on, because honestly, I doubt he'd even really miss me if I was gone.
I don't need to be told that I matter, or that I am loved, or needed. I don't care what people think about the way my brain works. But telling me, that what I've been told my whole life by others and also myself, is not true, won't fix anything. It won't change the fact that I am replaceable, no matter what. If you think you'll miss me, then don't worry, you'll find someone just like me, or maybe even better, just around the corner. And I will soon be forgotten, merely remembered within the meaningless numbers of the date on which I disappeared.
In the end, I don't know why I didn't do it, I can only wonder whether it was out of hope and will to life, or just pure cowardness.
© Selima Chowdhury 2023-01-18